Saturday, July 19, 2008

In sickness and in....well, sickness
I've been feeling incredibly guilty for not doing AIDS Walk this year. It's tomorrow. It's also the first time in 16 years that I haven't signed up to walk. But I didn't think my back would be up for it. Now I don't feel guilty any more because guess who hasn't eaten since Wednesday? Anybody? That's right, me.

The creeping zarfs are back. I was sick all night on Wednesday (hey, sleep is overrated), a bit better on Thursday, and sick again yesterday. OK, I have eaten....I had a cup of soup on Thursday. And that's it. So I don't think a 10k walk is possible even if I had signed up. Thankfully my dear friends Jess and Andy are walking. They are two of the greatest people you will ever meet in my blog.

Back when I was a manager, Andy worked for me. He was so amazing I not only wanted to promote him and give him every possible raise, but I wanted to clone him, adopt him, and knit him sweaters. Truly one of the coolest guys ever. (Now he works with Husband. Well, he will for another two weeks or so. Sorry, Husband.) Jess is his gorgeous, fabulous wife and she has taken up the AIDS Walk banner. Thank you, Jess, you rock.

Now, for something completely different...

If you need a good laugh, check out The Ridiculous Race by Steve Hely & Vali Chandrakekaran, two TV sitcom writers who challenged each other to a race around the world (sans airplanes). Think Around the World in 80 Days meets Animal House. I'm only on page 30 and I've already laughed out loud more than I have in any book I've read all year. It's a truly hilarious, quirky, eye-wateringly funny account of travels, travails, and triumphs.

Friday, July 18, 2008

This you won't believe
Some insane yabbo named Brent Rinehart is running for Oklahoma County Commissioner and has produced a comic book (in pdf) which, among other things, stresses his condemnation of "homosexual preferences." It's scary, but it's also hilarious. My favorite is the image of a toga-clad scout leader dragging poor little Timmy into the woods to molest him.
I do not dance when I have my period
What is it with advertisers and women's products? I mean come on ladies, when you get your period do you dress entirely in white and do ballet moves on the beach? When you buy a new razor do you immediately put on your bikini and shave your legs by the pool? It's just plan silly.

I realize they want to suggest their products are so miraculous that you'll forget you have drop-dead painful cramps and can't fit into your favorite jeans. But really? Dancing? Hell I've even seen ads with women skipping. Yes, skipping down a busy street, pausing to admire their own reflection in a window. I've lost count of the times I've done that, complete a with Mary Tyler Moore-worthy spin of "I'm invincible. I'm spunky. I'm menstruating!" abandon. Oh the sheer joy of having a feminine hygiene product that turns the average women into an extra in Swan Lake.

There's one ridiculous razor commercial that states "every woman is a goddess of something." Uh, yeah, right. Apparently I'm the Goddess of Low Tolerance for Being Treated Like a Twit. I use a razor to scrape hair off my legs, not to lift my spirits to the point that cocaine seems dull. How lame are you if a new razor is the highlight of your day?

As an aside to this are cleaning product ads where the most anal retentive housekeepers have the most disgustingly dirty houses on the planet. Here's some woman claiming that protecting her family from dirt and germs is like a calling from God and then they show her bathtub which looks as if a bunch of frat boys have been mud wrestling in it. And why, oh why are we still being shown that women are the keepers of the house? I don't know of any modern marriage where the guy doesn't pitch in with the laundry, cooking, or general cleaning. And yet it's still the perkily perfect wife and mom (always a mom, that's key) who is the one that actually smiles as she mops her kitchen floor. I have never in my life smiled while mopping a floor. Perhaps if I mop the floor when I have my period I'll be doubly inspired and start jetee-ing across the room.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Too exhausted to write
I had good intentions of writing something pithy and/or witty tonight but I'm too tired. Today was Day 1 of "Let's Turn the Spare Room into Something We Can Actually Use" and I am just plain pooped.

So until I get my mind and my energy back, check out The Museum of Bad Art. Be afraid...

Monday, July 14, 2008

Home improvements
Husband and I are bravely undertaking a bit of a home improvement scheme. Since we're only renting it's not as if we're learning how to re-tile a bathroom or put a jacuzzi in the kitchen.

Nope, just paint a few new pieces of furniture and a buttload of cleaning out. It's that last part I dread.

We're turning our former guest room, current store room, into a music office for Husband. He just ordered a gorgeous new CD cabinet that supposedly holds 1400 CDs. This should hold most of his collection, probably all if he thin-packs more of his music. That will also free up some storage space in the CD rack in our living room so I can finally have my CDs organized as well. We're also planning on adding two new bookcases as well, which should eliminate the piles of books that carpet the floor of the room.

The only problem is where to put the stuff that currently lives in our spare room. You see, that's where we (OK, I) put all those things that I don't know where else to put. The two big fans that only come out during heatwaves. Our luggage. Extra blankets and pillows. Leftover fabric from various projects (mostly pillows). And things that I keep because I don't want to get rid of them. High school yearbooks. Photo albums of long-gone friends. Old Halloween costume bits (because you never know when you'll get the urge to dress up like Mary, Queen of Scots and go to Safeway). There are two old dressers in that room and I happen to know every drawer is filled with something I'll either need to toss in the name of space economy or find a new home for in a home that has no room left.

I'm beginning to understand why people rent storage lockers.

We do have a loft in our garage where we can keep some things. The fans, for instance. But it's hardly a conducive space for storing photos or clothing. Plus it's a pain in the ass (and a two person job) to get everything up there and down again when you need them. I also have boxes of things from when I used to have an office or cubicle. I love to have a highly decorated space to work in so I have probably 3 or 4 boxes filled with postcards, fabric, toys, tchockes, pen holders, posters, and a bodily fluid clean-up kit (don't ask). Again, don't want to dump them.

Husband, with his usual flair for perfection has measured the space, measured the furniture, and made a computer model showing where everything will go. It's lovely. But there's no extra room. If I clean out the closet (again, tossing or moving to....where??) I can probably store some of my absolute treasures that I can't bear to lose. But I know that in the next few days I'm going to on a monumental sort out. It'll be good to de-clutter, I know, but why is it always so hard?

Once we get the room painted (we bought a gorgeous shade of me, it'll rock!) and get everything set up it'll be a wonderful room for Husband to listen to, review, and write about music. But I cannot help but wish it were twice as big and had room for me to keep everything I want.

It's amazing how attached we get to property, isn't it? I have many items that belonged to my beloved best friend who has been gone for over 10 years now, and yet still I can't bring myself to throw away his tacky Hawaiian shirt or the coat he gave me and that Husband hates so much. (OK, I'll never get rid of that....sorry Husband. But I promise never to wear it around you.) Then there are books that I know I will never read again that I just can't put in the Salvation Army box.

Oh god, it just hit me....Christmas! Where am I going to put all my Christmas shopping? I always put it in the spare room because Husband never goes in there. (Why should he? The only thing in there is clutter and the cat box and cleaning the cat box is my job.) But my eternal Christmas shopping drop zone is going away!

You'd think two people living in a 3 bedroom house with have plenty of room but you'd be wrong. Our house is actually quite small. In fact, when everyone in our bookgroup shows up for a meeting our living room is crammed to the gills. But when you have two people who cannot seem to stop acquiring new books or music, space fills up pretty quickly.

Maybe I can accept that I'm a lousy cook, insist on take-out for the rest of our marriage, and use our oven to store my summer clothes.