An exception...
I don't usually like insult humor. But this is hilarious. Triumph the Insult Dog vs. Star Wars geeks. Thanks to Husband for the laugh...

She limps! She eats!
My friend the ever-wonderful Finny just wrote about doing an 11 mile run in preparation for a mini-marathon she's running in 3 weeks. Yeah....right.

These days I get winded walking from the sofa to the kitchen. I know I have an excuse: I haven't eaten in 18 months. I've nibbled, I've zarfed. I've eaten, and I've zarfed. I've done nothing, and still I zarf. If I were a superhero I'd be BarfGirl, the worst superhero ever. To fight crime all I'd have to do is eat a cracker then point my super self at the evil-doer and I'd throw up all over their nasty shoes. They're not going to be making a cartoon of me anytime soon.

I envy people like Finny who have bodies that work. Mine hasn't since, oh, about 1980. But the past 18 months have been a cavalcade of awful. Even though I'm not in the hospital, I'm still sick. I'm still doing the zarf tango at unpredictable moments. Today I did get all crazy and wild and went out to breakfast with Husband. I had two or three bites of his scrambled egg and one half of a half of piece of toast. Oh yeah, and a glass of milk. I eat like I'm 80.

I move like it too. I'm not limping, but I am wobbling. Most of my food this week came in an IV bag. Now that I'm unhooked, i eat very little and it feels like very much. After today's tiny breakfast I swear it felt like I'd just come from an all-you-can-eat hot fudge sundae buffet. But I'm trying to eat when (and if) I can so that I can get some strength back. Honestly this weak-as-a-newborn-kitten feeling is getting old.

So Finny's exploits have inspired me. Not to run 11 miles (who the fuck am I kidding?) but to completely appreciate how good it'll feel when this is all over. I long for the day when I can do basic things like have dinner with my husband in public. Take a walk without having to sit down every 15 feet. Do laundry without having to take a nap afterwards.

Oh the joys of not zarfing! People, enjoy your health.

Paging nurse idiot
I forgot to tell you about the idiot nurse who nearly caused me to sue the hospital on Wednesday night.

1. Instead of coming into my room for the usual "hi, the shift is changing and I'm your new nurse" at 11:30 pm, she came in at 1, when the lights were off and I was trying to sleep, for the soul purpose of introducing herself.

2. When I rang for pain meds she came in and then forgot me for nearly 90 minutes.

3. She then came back in, 20 minutes after giving me the meds (turned the lights back on) and said "I just need to do something" then stood at the monitor in my room and typed for about 5 minutes, leaving without a word, with the lights on and door open. (Up I get to close door, turn off lights.)

4. She comes back in 30 minutes later and says (Her: lights on and door open) "I've lost a piece of paper, have I left it in here?" (Me: Close door, turn off lights.)

5. 10 minutes late she comes back in (lights & door) looking for the same piece of paper. (Me: close door, turn off lights.)

6. Two other nurses come in a few minutes apart looking for the missing paper. They at least turn off the lights and close the door.

7. Nurse and supervisor come in (lights & door) and both look for it. I get up and close the door, leaving the lights on because admitting defeat is easier than being blinded every 5 minutes.

8. She comes in, not looking for anything, asking if I need more meds. I do. She goes away. I never see her again...until she comes back in at 6 and says "I found the paper in my pocket." Oh good, can I have my night back please?

She's the only nurse I've ever had who pissed me off. Every other nurse there was amazing; kind, caring, gentle, considerate, compassionate, all that good stuff. She was a disaster.

She's back...and she's got a hole in her stomach
Yeah, it's an ulcer.

I'm fresh out of the hospital and freshly diagnosed with a (apparently rather large) ulcer. The last time they did an endoscopy they noticed I had lesions but no actual hole. After Wednesday's endoscopy they found the culprit. They're not sure it's causing all my problems, but it's definitely causing some of them. I need to have another test on Tuesday where I drink something nasty and they x-ray me and follow the path. There's a chance that the ulcer is preventing food from going where it needs to go. I think that might be right considering I've zarfed up everything I've eaten today. But thank god I'm home.

I hate hospitals. Fine places full of noble, caring, hard-working people. And completely non-conducive to healing. Aside from the lovely drugs that kept me from noticing the pain in my back and tummy, the entire week was awful. I'm not exaggerating when I say I had no sleep for two of the nights I was there. Between them coming in every hour to check on my condition, getting blood drawn at between 4 and 5 every morning, and regular comings in for my vital signs -- it was nearly impossible to sleep. Add in lots of noises from the corridor, alarms going off, an uncomfortable bed, my usual pain, and missing Husband and Cipher (the World's Most Amazing Cat, Screw You if You Don't Agree tm), I just never slept.

Yesterday when I got home at about 4 I took a bath and jumped into bed....and woke up at 9:30 last night. I got up for a while, went back to sleep an hour later and slept until nearly 11 this morning. I haven't slept that long in ages! But god did I need it. I'm still really week after having not eaten for a week, but at least I'm rested.

Anyway, not much to report. But I am relieved that, at last, there is something to fight against. I'm on drugs, might need an operation if the food isn't going to the right place, but damned glad to be home.

Thanks to everyone who called to find out what the heck happened to me. I love you all.