Tuesday, September 08, 2009

Beware of Hot, Naked Space Vampire Chicks
In a fit of lazy lunacy the other day, Husband and I spent the entire day in bed. We watched two good movies (Ghostbusters, and Still of the Night), 20-minutes of a crappy movie (The Mist), and about an hour of a truly memorable extra-crappy movie Lifeforce.

We didn't make it through the whole thing, but here's the plot: spaceship finds three naked aliens in Halley's Comet. One female, two male. Group of astronauts spends moments ogling the hot naked female alien in her glass coffin. They don't even seem to notice the guys. Naked aliens brought on ship. Again, camera shows us hot naked female alien (hereafter known as HNFA). Spaceship doesn't come home so rescue ship goes up. Inside of ship crispy. Inside and outside of crew, crispy. Naked aliens in glass coffins fine thank you. Everyone comes home to England where the two naked guys are ignored but HNFA is, of course, put in a separate room. Horny guard comes in for a closer ogle, HNFA wakes up and sucks the life out of him. Unnamed scientist sees this on the security cam and runs through 17 doors to do his own tonsil dance with HNFA. Luckily she just tires him out, doesn't do the life suck thing. HNFA wanders through headquarters where more security guards try to offer her a sammich. Not interested in a midnight snack, she does a little zap-dance and leaves. Still naked.

Frank Finlay says something scientific. Peter Firth does his best James Bond as some weird secret service guy with bad hair and a "don't fuck with me, I've done Shakespeare" attitude.. Steve Railsback, who I've never heard of and who looks like the love child of Charles Manson and Eleanor Roosevelt, walks around with a perpetual expression of pissed confusion. He was captain of the original spaceship and has this hot Vulcan mind-mend thing with NHAC. He even has a dream about her coming to his bed and inviting him to do a little hot naked alien Charleston and is such a wuss that he wakes up screaming. As he was under video observation by everyone on the planet, I suppose it's probably best he didn't get a woody. But really? HNAC wants to do you baby and that's a nightmare?

Meanwhile they finally remember the naked male aliens, who look like gay love twins. They last all of about 15 seconds until they start to do the vampire zombie come-hither dance at which point the SAS plug them with 321 bullets. (I counted.) So much for the naked male aliens who weren't that hot and not much naked either.

The rest of the movie involves hot chick picking up bloated old guy in a beat-up Volvo, Patrick Stewart (!) practically mincing as the head of an insane asylum where a gigantic male nurse will pump anyone full of sodium pentathol provided anyone in the world who outranks him tells him to. We find out the Peter Firth character is a natural voyeur and that if some reincarnated guard un-dies again in the exact way Frank Finlay predicted that Frank's sympathetic response is basically "I told you so." We get Captain Steve slapping some hapless nurse and getting damned close to kissing Patrick Stewart because HNFA is inside Patrick and old Steve has this love/hate thing going on with her. Oh and we learn the valuable lesson that if you lurk in parks hoping to see some girl-on-girl action that you're liable to find a sucked-out body.

I think we lost interest after the "are you Captain Picard or are you HNAC?" pseudo-kiss so I have no clue, nor any interest, in how it ends. But I have to wonder how they got so many good actors (plus music by Henry Mancini) to participate in such a huge cinematic pile of doo-doo/

1 comment:

FinnyKnits said...

I really think the next time Bubba and I decide to play hookey, this is what we should do - lay in bed all day and watch movies with the dog and cat.