A Little Knowledge
Husband turned 40 yesterday. I turned 49 in December. Yup, 49. I'm going to be 50 on my next birthday and just typing that gives me the heebie-jeebies. And yet, not.
My beloved best friend died of AIDS in his 30s and I remember his saying wistfully that he wished some day he could turn 50. Sadly, he didn't. So I will for him. Proudly. When I hear people complain about getting older I cannot help but think that it's far better than the alternative.
Husband's turning 40 has got me thinking. In some ways it gave me a bit of the blues, but in another it made me feel...content.
When I was younger, the word "content" would have made me gag. What an awful thing to be! And yet as I've gotten older and have finally gotten to know myself better I have come to appreciate the wonders of being content. I suppose when I was in my 20s the concept would have been interchangeable with the word "settling," but now I find it a wonderful state of mind.
I love my life. My wonderful husband and my adorable cat. I love my work at the shelter and the fact that I am lucky enough to be able to spend my time doing something worthwhile. I love my cozy home and my amazing friends. I love the feeling of utter bliss when I'm curled up in the world's most comfiest bed with the man I love and the cat who drives me crazy.
And I love not being 20. Dealing with horrible first dates and existential angst. Am I pretty enough? Am I smart enough? Am I too smart? Will I ever stop dating losers and meet a guy with good oral hygiene and a sense of humor? Will I ever make enough money to afford both rent and food in the same month?
Now I know who I am. Mostly. I still surprise myself. I still learn things. I'm not perfect and I know it. It's OK, as long as I don't stop trying to get better. I've learned to cut myself enough slack to find peace, but not enough that I let things slide. (OK, maybe I slide too much -- but I'm working on it.)
And I'm sorry to get all dull and philosophic. But hey, as I've said before, this place is all about me.