Annoying is the New Clever
I am so fucking sick of the phrase "X is the new Y." Red is the new black. Green is the new cult. Gay is the new straight. What does this even mean? Does "gay" now mean "likes to have sex with members of the opposite gender?" Every time I hear that phrase I cringe, because it means nothing.

It means, in fact, that annoying is the new clever.

There's a great line in Jane Austen's Northanger Abbey where the heroine, Catherine Moreland, bemoans her lack of social skills by stating "I cannot speak well enough to be unintelligible." Funnily enough, it's as true now as it was in Austen's time. In contemporary culture, making no sense whatsoever is what now passes for being smart, sophisticated, or hip.

Think about it. How many commercials these days have tag lines or claims that make no sense? Beer proudly proclaims itself to have "drinkability." Wow...a liquid with the ability to be consumed, who'd have thought it? A shampoo says it delivers "hair so strong, it shines." Since when did shine become a hallmark of strength? "That ugly perfume fragrance is so strong you're shiny." "Did you see how that weightlifter shined? I needed special glasses just to look at him."

Remember when words meant something? When being able to speak and write well was something to be respected and admired? Now being able to shorten entire sentences to a gibberish collection of symbols is viewed as the epitome of cool. Can anyone really admire the ability to text "C U L8er?" I hate that American culture is being reduced to the equivalent of the text on a vanity plate.

And there are so many insipid words and phrases that show no reluctance to die. "Think outside of the box." Here's a tip folks, don't get in the fucking box to begin with. "Superstar." Half the time that word is applied to someone I've never heard of and who is famous solely for being famous. Then there's the relentless shortening of words. "Phenom," for instance. That one gets me because not only is it annoying, but it invariably refers to someone or something barely adequate, let alone phenomenal.

I love old movies, and one of the reasons why is because the scripts are so good. The dialog is witty and assumes the audience has a brain. Or the plot is suspenseful (rather than merely stupid interludes waiting for the next disembowelment) and the characters speak like people you'd like to meet, as opposed to someone you'd cross the street to avoid. And everyone speaks in complete sentences, in actual English. They don't speak in shorthand. And the lines are memorable. "Here's looking at you, kid" will never be forgotten. "You are one phat ho, mama." can't be forgotten soon enough.