For those of my friends who know how truly white trash my family is, and how traumatic holidays can be, I give you this year's highlights of hell:
- How is it possible to screw up munchies? Stale crackers and tasteless cheese are the key.
- Much drinking of cheap jug wine. One sister got so hammered she lost all sense of personal space, got hiccups while trying to tell a story and ended up sounding like a comedy routine from the 70's with the cheesy drunk. At this point my mother got off the line of the night by turning to her and asking "how much wine have you had???"
- Husband's ass got grabbed. By one of my sisters.
- He also got a tit-flash from the other sister. He is currently lying down with a cold compress.
- My family making a big deal out of the fact the pumpkin bisque (which I made my request) was called "bisque". Oooh...it's not soup, it's bisque! Then it was pretty much ruined by the fact that it was dished into bowls and left to sit on the table for about 7 minutes while drunk sister dished up the mashed potatoes. Because soup and mashed potatoes must be served together. So we had cold soup and then we had cold mashed potatoes.
- Actually, everything was cold. Potatoes. Veggies. Corn casserole. Gravy.
- We're the only family in the US that doesn't have pie on Thanksgiving. I've been jonesing for apple pie since Finny took pictures of her orgasmic-looking pie. And what did we have for dessert? Chocolate-covered cereal lumps.
And how was your holiday?