Me, Me and More Me
My good friend Finny has set me a challenge. On her wonderful (amusing, snarky, fascinating, informative, hilarious, wish-I-could-be-that-funny blog) she answered five interview questions as posed by Kristin at Going Country. For some god unknown reason, she chose me to continue the trend. Now I feel the amazing pressure to come up with interesting answers. I have to pee. I may need a cold compress. I'm not good under pressure (remember the whole ulcer incident of 2008?) I'm scared, hold me.

If you could undo one shitty thing you've done in your life, what would it be?

I dated a guy in college (who we'll call "Ben" although his real name was "Lee") who, it turned out, was also sleeping with a "friend" of mine (we'll call her "Bertha" although her real name was "Abby.") I saw them together, though they didn't know I saw them. The next day Ben and I were going spend the day together. I suggested going down to Monterey. I drove. When we got to the Mission we got out and I "went back to the car for the camera." Got in, drove off. Left him there. When he saw me he ran back to the car and I rolled down the window enough to tell him to call Abby for a ride home.

I would really like to take that back.

I would have liked to have done something that fucked Abby as well.


What is your biggest WT (white trash) food indulgence?

Where to start? I grew up in a total WT household. However, since my mother may be the worst cook since Lucretia Borgia, I don't actually crave any of the food I grew up with because, hey, I'm screwed up but I'm not suicidal. In spite of that I have a lot of white trashiness in my kitchen on occasion. Ruffles (gotta have them in football season). Mashed potatoes. Biscuits.

But the ultimate for me is Rice Krispie Treats. I make a batch at least once a year. There's just something about that Mess'o'Pot'o'Marshmallows that I adore. Especially when they're fresh. Once they get stale they're an abomination under the Lord. But when they are just made, and even still warm, I could easily eat the entire pan. I never have, but I've wanted to. Oh that crunchy-sticky goodness. Come to Mama.

If you could be The Best at anything - ANYTHING - what would it be?

Making money. I'd rather be the best actress in the history of the theatre, the best photographer in the history of film, or the best writer since Shakespeare. But I'd settle for having more money than god. Seriously, I wanna be filthy, stinking rich. That way I can do anything else. And, since I'd make Bill Gates look like a pauper, people would happily kiss my ass and tell me I'm the best at everything in the hopes that I'd adopt them. And, again, look at my bank account, I wouldn't have to do any of those things. I could just sit back, let my investments make me orgasmic, and spend my days playing with animals, napping, reading trashy novels, taking pictures, and generally giving the finger to the rest of the world.

Would you rather be hotter or smarter?
Probably smarter. I'm already so hot you need special glasses just to look at me. But I would love to be brilliant enough to do something like find a cure for AIDS or figure out how to use my juicer.

If you could make one person - celebrity, non-celebrity, public figure, past or present - vanish from existence, who would it be?

Tough question. The instinctive answer is Hitler. But as a historian, I'm dubious about the wisdom of fucking with the past. (Hey, I've seen Star Trek). I mean we wouldn't be who we all are now as a planet without WWII and the horrors of the Holocaust. So while I'd like to save those millions of people, I'm not sure about the whole thing.

My second answer would be Christ because I think we'd be better off without organized religion. But again, past, fuck with, see also "seriously screwed".

I guess I'll have to go with someone around today whose absence wouldn't upset the Space-Time Continuum but who we could easily do without (without whom we could easily do?). It's a toss-up between Jessica Simpson and Keanu Reeves. So my answer is Reverend Phelps, the brain-dead anti-homosexual zealot who stages protests at funerals of soldiers because they're fighting a war to "protect gay sex."

In the spirit of Internet closeness, if you want to continue the interview drop me a line. I don't think anyone will because (unlike Finny) I have all of two readers (Finny and Husband), but if you're lurking and want me to toss you five random questions let me know.